


maybe i just wanna be yours

by luvsyong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, just jaehyun being in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27806587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvsyong/pseuds/luvsyong
Summary: they’re close. too close. taeyong can feel jaehyun’s steadying breath on his face as jaehyun watches him with a look that he can’t quite pinpoint. he’s about to remove himself from jaehyun’s hold- when suddenly jaehyun kisses him. it’s soft and gentle, a small peck on his lips. pulling back, he studies taeyong for a moment, looking dazed. taeyong's cheeks heat up and he carefully pushes jaehyun off of him. jaehyun falls back onto the bed, mumbling to himself before falling asleep.(or in which drunk jaehyun kisses taeyong, and every line between them seems to blur.)
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 21
Kudos: 193





	1. maybe i

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact, i've actually had this little prompt/story sitting around since june! i hope u like the first chapter, there's many more to come! <3

if there’s one thing that jaehyun hates, it's sharing an apartment with taeyong. 

wait, scratch that, jaehyun doesn’t actually hate it. in fact, hate would be the last word to describe how jaehyun feels about it; jaehyun loves rooming with taeyong. even if he leaves his clothes on the floor in the living room and even if there are piles of unwashed dishes waiting for jaehyun when he comes home. to be honest, if it were anyone else, jaehyun would be annoyed out of his mind. hell, if it were even just donghyuck, jaehyun would probably want to move out. but because it’s taeyong, the man that jaehyun is completely and utterly in love with, he’s willing to do anything. (and he despises that.)

when taeyong started dating johnny, jaehyun was sure he could overcome his feelings. instead, he found his heart aching whenever he saw taeyong and johnny together and found himself feeling relieved when taeyong said he wasn't hanging out with johnny. it made jaehyun feel guilty. he knew how happy johnny made taeyong, yet he couldn’t soothe the bitter feeling in his stomach when johnny’s name was even mentioned. 

presently, jaehyun is having lunch with taeyong. they’re eating at a chinese restaurant that opened recently, one that taeyong wouldn’t stop nagging jaehyun about (saying that “johnny really likes this place”). the wait is ridiculously long, (which jaehyun understands as it’s a new and popular restaurant) but he’s hungry and the only thing he can think about is stuffing his mouth full of food. 

“the food better be good if we’re waiting this long.” jaehyun says impatiently. he scans the room, which he instantly regrets, seeing as watching people eat makes him even hungrier. he taps his foot in a feeble attempt to distract himself, but his stomach growling is hard to ignore. 

“it is, just wait a little longer you baby.” taeyong says, rolling his eyes. even though the pet name is said jokingly, it still makes jaehyun flush a little. (jaehyun wishes taeyong didn’t have such a big effect on him.)

taeyong is having a better time dealing with his hunger, scrolling on his phone and occasionally showing jaehyun cute photos he sees. when he shows jaehyun a photo of johnny and him, jaehyun puts on the happiest smile he can manage. (it probably doesn’t look as genuine as jaehyun wants it to, but he hopes taeyong doesn’t notice.) 

eventually, jaehyun’s prayers are answered when he spots an attractive waiter bringing their food to them. jaehyun is so relieved he almost feels like crying, and doesn’t hesitate to take his first bite. taeyong watches as he does so, laughing in disbelief. 

“i knew you were hungry, but you’re acting like you’ve never eaten before.” taeyong teases, laughing even harder when jaehyun starts to choke. 

the noodles in jaehyun’s mouth don't enable him to respond to taeyong’s comment and he settles for an eye roll. 

the food is very good and jaehyun almost thinks the long wait was worth it. almost.

“dude, johnny just texted me to order him some takeout from here.” taeyong says, fingers moving rapidly as he texts johnny back. 

“the wait is so long… tell johnny to come get it himself!” jaehyun mumbles, it’s in a joking and sarcastic manner, but he wonders how bitter it sounds when taeyong’s eyebrow quirks up.

if taeyong notices anything strange about jaehyun’s behaviour, he doesn’t mention it. (probably dismissing it to the fact he’s always a little cranky). “come on. we can go get ice cream while we wait!” taeyong proposes. he watches jaehyun’s face intently, not wanting to take no for an answer.

“fine. just because i’m such a nice person.”

  
before taeyong and johnny started dating, jaehyun actually considered johnny a friend. (not that he didn’t consider him a friend anymore… but things were complicated.) johnny was hard not to like, his friendly personality made jaehyun extremely comfortable around him. 

jaehyun remembers the dreadful day when taeyong and johnny started dating. in fact, jaehyun had even been in the same room as them when it started. 

they had been on a movie marathon, rewatching the harry potter movies for the nth time. jungwoo was swooning over how handsome draco malfoy looked, while johnny silently shook his head.

“he’s literally a piece of shit.” doyoung deadpanned, nevertheless silently agreeing with jungwoo.

the movie continued to play, with jaehyun even having attempted a british accent at one point. he was embarrassed, but he was having fun. 

“is the movie over yet?” donghyuck whined, having had enough of the series. mark, who sat next to him, rolled his eyes. “shut up dude! the good parts haven’t even happened yet.” 

jaehyun was sat next to taeyong, who had his bottom lip tucked under his teeth. it was a habit of taeyong’s, one that jaehyun found very cute. even when taeyong wasn’t nervous, he always mindlessly seemed to suck on the fold of flesh. 

when the movie finally ended, everyone filed out of jaehyun and taeyong’s apartment. all but johnny, of course. taeyong and johnny were talking about something jaehyun couldn’t bother asking about, choosing to go to bed instead.

his bed was oh-so-comfortable and sleep was threatening to swallow him and his eyelids felt heavy when he heard the door to his room swing open with a loud creak. taeyong stood in the doorframe, cheeks rosy. 

“johnny’s my boyfriend now.”

  
the thing is, taeyong has had many boyfriends (and girlfriends) in the past. taeyong being _taeyong_ was always exceedingly popular, yet had a hard time rejecting people. as a result, jaehyun watched taeyong date the many boys and girls who confessed to him, all of the relationship lasting from two weeks to two months. that’s why he wasn’t particularly worried when taeyong started dating johnny. he thought after a few weeks taeyong would show up to his room, saying the same line he said every time: “it didn’t work out.”

it’s been a year and a half since taeyong’s started dating johnny, and jaehyun no longer has hope that taeyong will tell him his relationship isn’t working out. (because frankly, it’s working out a lot better than jaehyun had expected.)

“oh my god, you’re so annoying. i can’t believe you have been harbouring this crush for years.” donghyuck says, breaking the silence. 

donghyuck has been with jaehyun through his ups and downs. everytime he nearly fucked up and confessed to taeyong, jaehyun reported it to donghyuck. and everytime jaehyun cried over taeyong, it was done in the safety of donghyuck’s apartment. although donghyuck makes fun of jaehyun’s constant problems, he offers him the emotional support he needs. 

“it’s not my fault. taeyong seduced me.” jaehyun counters weakly.

“yeah, yeah.” donghyuck mutters, rolling his eyes.

“why don’t you just— tell him how you feel? you know, like any rational and normal person.” donghyuck suggests, to which jaehyun simply glares at him. 

“nope, never. that will never happen. frankly, i really enjoy having one-sided feelings with my best friend who has a boyfriend!” 

a knock on the door interrupts the conversation that donghyuck and jaehyun are having, and donghyuck rushes to go answer it. it’s mark. 

jaehyun turns around and greets mark, waving his hand at him. 

“let me guess why you’re here. taeyong--?” 

“yes.” jaehyun cuts him off before he can say anything. he doesn’t want to bring up what taeyong and johnny were doing before he arrived and mark simply nods, accustomed to jaehyun’s presence in donghyuck’s home. 

jaehyun likes mark. he and donghyuck are a good pair; donghyuck is like the sun and mark is his sunflower. mark “blooms” whenever he’s around donghyuck and they’re so in love that it makes jaehyun laugh to himself. (he might be a little jealous of the relationship they have, but jaehyun would never admit it.)

mark explains how he managed to pass a course he was practically certain he was going to fail, and donghyuck suggests they get drinks to celebrate. jaehyun comes along with the two, deciding he has nothing better to do. and before long, jaehyun is too drunk to even recognize his surroundings. his words are slurred and everything mark says seems much funnier than usual. 

“jaehyun, i think you’re drunk.” mark tells jaehyun softly. donghyuck rolls his eyes and jaehyun starts bubbling with laughter. 

“no- not me! i’m no light-weight like you guys!” he hiccups. donghyuck resists the urge to smack his beyond-drunk friend and instead decides to call taeyong to pick him up. 

“hello?” 

jaehyun hears taeyong’s voice through donghyuck’s phone and feels hazier than he already does.

“taeyong, there’s a big drunk man-child clinging to mark and me, come pick him up please.” donghyuck says. he’s trying to move away from jaehyun, who attempts to grab at the phone. mark is struggling to hold him down. 

“taeyongie, i’m not drunk, they’re lying!” jaehyun whines, loud enough for taeyong to hear. taeyong chuckles and promises to come pick jaehyun up quickly. by the time he actually arrives though, jaehyun is struggling to keep his eyes open. 

“what took you so long?” jaehyun asks, arms wrapping around taeyong as they make their way over to his car. taeyong mutters something about traffic, but jaehyun can’t really hear him. he’s too focused on the shape of taeyong’s nose; how it’s perfectly sculpted and oh-so-cute.

“jaehyun, stop staring at me.” 

jaehyun giggles and shakes his head. “no, i like looking at pretty things.” 

drunk jaehyun doesn’t notice the way taeyong’s cheeks flush or the way taeyong immediately speeds up his actions with trying to place jaehyun in the back seat.

  
“taeyongieeee, my stomach hurts.” jaehyun whines and he starts rubbing his stomach with his hands as if for dramatic effect.

taeyong sighs, and hauls him over to the bathroom, running his fingers through jaehyun’s hair as he vomits into the toilet. throwing up makes jaehyun’s throat burn and his eyes prick with tears. 

taeyong spends the next hour trying to clean jaehyun up, and convinces him to shower and brush his teeth, saying that he’ll smell bad if he doesn’t. 

it’s tiring, especially when jaehyun can’t seem to stay still or awake. taeyong thinks he wouldn’t have the patience to take care of him if jaehyun wasn’t so important to him. 

when jaehyun is finally cleaned up, he peels his eyes open and gives taeyong a wide grin. 

“you look so pretty tonight, yong!” jaehyun exclaims, voice cheerful. he makes sure to put unnecessary emphasis on the word ‘pretty’. 

taeyong scrunches his nose and tells himself that jaehyun is just drunk, deciding to go along with the nonsense jaehyun is spewing. “yeah, yeah. you do too, even if you’re drunk off your ass.” 

it takes a moment for jaehyun to react to this, but the effect is immediate. jaehyun's smile grows wider, his ears becoming even more pink than before, and he wraps his arms around taeyong’s small frame. jaehyun slumps against him as he feels himself get more tired, and taeyong manages to bring him to his bed. 

however, jaehyun’s weight makes taeyong fall on top of him, and the sight taeyong sees is one out of a movie. jaehyun still has his arms wrapped around taeyong’s neck, pulling him even closer, and taeyong feels his breath stop. drunk jaehyun doesn’t seem to have a nervous bone in his body, and instead stares at taeyong with a slight smirk. 

they’re close. too close. taeyong can feel jaehyun’s steadying breath on his face as jaehyun watches him with a look that he can’t quite pinpoint. he’s about to remove himself from jaehyun’s hold- when suddenly jaehyun kisses him. it’s soft and gentle; a small peck on his lips. pulling back, he studies taeyong for a moment, looking dazed. taeyong's cheeks heat up and he carefully pushes jaehyun off of him, before jaehyun closes his eyes and falls asleep.

taeyong is left very much awake, very much confused, and very much flushed.


	2. do i wanna know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jaehyun thinks taeyong looks pretty even when he's crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive been listening to a shit ton of arctic monkeys, hence the title change. thought it was fitting. enjoy!

when jaehyun wakes up, he’s met with the worst headache he’s ever experienced in his life. he groans, extremely regretful he drank so much last night. jaehyun can’t remember what happened after getting stupidly drunk (though he does have recollection of calling donghyuck and mark lightweights), but he supposes the memories will come to him sooner or later. 

on his bedside table there’s a glass of water and a few pills carefully placed on top of a tiny note. the words “ _you got really drunk last night, take these_ ” are scribbled on the small sticky note in taeyong’s messy handwriting. there’s a little smiley face under his familiar words and it makes jaehyun smile to himself. 

he takes the pills and doesn’t think too much about what happened last night, his day proceeding as usual. he goes to work with his splitting headache and though he tries his best to act like he isn’t hungover. his co-worker, jungwoo, notices anyway. 

“jaehyun, how drunk did you get last night?” jungwoo asks, amused that jaehyun winces at every slightly loud noise. 

jaehyun continues to wipe down the counters and doesn’t look up at him. “very. so drunk that i can barely remember what i did last night.” 

jungwoo laughs and shakes his head. “wow, you’re a terrible influence for me aren’t you?” 

jaehyun turns around and rolls his eyes at the cute part-time worker. “yeah, probably.”

before jaehyun can add another snarky comment, the door chimes and someone walks in. it’s taeyong. jaehyun looks up at him, a little surprised, but greets him with a radiant smile. taeyong smiles back at him, with an unreadable look on his face. jaehyun thinks he almost looks slightly flushed, but doesn’t think too much about it. 

he lets jungwoo take taeyong’s order and finishes wiping the last table.   
  
  
  


when jaehyun’s shift ends, he promptly takes off his apron, quickly hanging it on a hook in the back room. he frantically grabs his stuff and yells a quick “bye!” to jungwoo before leaving. his bones are aching and his hangover makes focusing on anything dreadful. jaehyun pushes the flimsy doors with a little urgency and is almost startled by the sight of donghyuck leaning against the wall beside the door outside. 

“my god, you scared me.” jaehyun gasps, causing donghyuck to look up at him. 

“you look like you’re feeling better.” donghyuck and jaehyun start walking as jaehyun shakes his head. “actually, i feel like complete and utter shit. thanks for taking me home last night, though.” 

when jaehyun finishes his sentence, donghyuck stifles a laugh. “you’re welcome, but i wasn’t the one who took you home. taeyong came and got you.” 

jaehyun freezes and suddenly all his forgotten memories are echoing back to him. he remembers the hasty kiss he had planted on taeyong’s pretty lips and shivers at the image replaying in his head, clearer than he’d like. no wonder taeyong had looked at him that way this morning, jaehyun thinks. jaehyun had kissed him! jaehyun had kissed his best friend whom he had been secretly in love with for years, who also had a boyfriend, and now-

“jaehyun, you good?” donghyuck asks, noticing how jaehyun has stopped dead in his tracks. 

“donghyuck… i have messed up. i really messed up. i have messed up beyond belief.” jaehyun says, and suddenly it feels hard to breath with his heart hammering in his chest. donghyuck raises an eyebrow and looks at him strangely, trying to think about what that would entail. 

“i kissed him, oh my god, i kissed him.”

  
  


when they’re finally accommodated in a small noodle shop, jaehyun is hysterical. he recalls the story to the best of his ability, and he's talking so fast he’s nearly slurring his words. when jaehyun finishes telling donghyuck every detail, he takes a deep breath. 

“wow. yeah, jaehyun, you really messed up on that one,” donghyuck says honestly. “but, you were drunk, so you can pass it off as an accident.” 

jaehyun chews on his fingernail anxiously, unable to formulate a response. “i haven’t really seen him after i… you know…” 

donghyuck sighs. “i’d say i’m disappointed, but i’m not. now we might finally see some relationship development!” donghyuck announces, smiling stupidly. 

jaehyun rolls his eyes and groans. “at what cost? my friendship with taeyong _and_ johnny?” 

donghyuck laughs and shoves a few fries into his mouth. “can you really consider your relationship with johnny a friendship? you avoid him like the plague.”

jaehyun pauses. “well… more like acquaintance then. i feel bad, but i just- i can’t do it.” 

donghyuck sighs before going back to scrolling on his phone. he stops when he gets a text and shows jaehyun. “yuta just invited me to his party, why don’t you come with me? since i know you’ll just be a sore loser at home anyway.” 

and that’s how jaehyun ends up at yuta’s party, pressed between donghyuck and a sweaty frat boy he doesn’t recognize. donghyuck leads jaehyun out of the enthusiastic crowd and prepares him an intoxicating drink, before running off to go find mark, leaving him all alone. 

jaehyun walks around aimlessly and observes everyone else, not knowing what to do with himself. he feels a out of place and tries distracting himself by putting the prepared drink to his lips. he has no idea what donghyuck filled his cup with, and the sweet and slightly acidic taste makes him grit his teeth. jaehyun almost drops his drink when a cheery voice greets him. 

“hey, jaehyun!” 

jaehyun recognizes the voice and isn’t surprised when he turns around and sees johnny, who’s smiling brightly at him. jaehyun feels guilt start to swim around in his nervous stomach as he makes eye contact with his best friend’s boyfriend. he feels bad. he feels horrible. johnny has always been a nice person and jaehyun has always felt comfortable enough to strike up a conversation with him. (which is particularly why he feels extra pathetic for his actions.)

“hey johnny!” he says, trying to mimic johnny’s cheerfulness. apparently it works, because johnny doesn’t seem to notice jaehyun’s strange behaviour. (and if he does, he doesn’t show it.)

“i don’t see you at yuta’s parties a lot! you should come more often. he hosts really great ones,” johnny tells him, and jaehyun nods along with a smile. 

johnny’s phone vibrates, and he pulls it out of his pocket with a little urgency. “oh, taeyong just texted me that he’s here. i’m gonna go get him, see you around!” 

and with that, jaehyun is alone again.

jaehyun doesn’t mind though, because he isn’t too sure he wants to see taeyong right now.

jaehyun walks around the house a little more, feeling a little hazy because of the alcohol, and accidentally bumps into a sturdy back. it’s yuta, and he turns around, a blinding smile on his face when he sees jaehyun. 

“jaehyun! fancy seeing you here.” yuta greets enthusiastically, surprise lining his voice, and jaehyun feels his ears warm up. if jaehyun ever said he never had even a tiny interest in yuta, he’d be lying. the elder is certainly his type, piercings and tattoos adorning his lanky yet well toned body perfectly. jaehyun thinks he would’ve asked him out if he wasn’t in love with taeyong.

“yeah. donghyuck told me i should come, and then he left me all alone.” jaehyun mutters, rubbing at the nape of his neck. 

“why would he leave such a pretty little doll alone?” yuta asks. jaehyun knows yuta; he flirts with everyone. it’s in his blood. 

yet, jaehyun still can’t help the way his cheeks flush when he hears his comment.

“i’m just kidding, i know you like taeyong.” yuta adds, and it’s quick enough to make it seem like he was joking. the sudden comment catches jaehyun off guard and his breath hitches, surprised. he’s never openly admitted it to anyone except for donghyuck and mark and it somehow didn’t occur to him that other people knew.

“y-you do? how?” jaehyun asks quietly.

yuta quirks his eyebrow and stares at jaehyun, who feels shy under his gaze. “what do you mean how? i’ve know for years. i think i’ve known since the first day i met you,” yuta explains, as if this should all be common sense. “the way you look at him, i think it’s pretty obvious from that alone.”

jaehyun’s mouth gapes. he knew he must’ve been obvious, but he didn’t think he was that apparent. (in fact, he thought he had kept it pretty well hidden.)

jaehyun doesn’t respond, still processing what he’s hearing, but yuta continues nonchalantly. “it’s been a topic for a while. we talk about it sometimes, when you aren’t around. everyone just kinda knows.”

jaehyun feels small. feels stupid. feels his cheeks burning. “d-does johnny know too then?” he meets yuta’s gaze for a brief moment, his eyes soft.

“i’d assume he does.”

yuta seems to sense jaehyun’s growing worry, rubbing his shoulder soothingly. “don’t worry, jaehyun. you can’t control who you love.”

jaehyun feels foolish tears brimming at his eyes and he takes that as his cue to leave. he smiles back at yuta and gets up rather quickly. on his way out, he makes the mistake of scanning the room and seeing johnny and taeyong sitting together on the couch. they’re staring at each other like they’re the only ones in the room, and after johnny plants a kiss on his lips, jaehyun tears his eyes away. it shouldn’t hurt him so much, and frankly he should be used to the dreadful sight. (yet he still feels his heart shattering into a million pieces, and he scrambles to leave, tears filling his eyes.)

  
  
  
  


when jaehyun reaches his apartment after what seems like an eternity, tears are already falling out of his eyes. he walks over to his cheerless room, making sure to shut his flimsy door behind him, plunging into his bed and crying. he cries for god-knows-how-long, and ugly long sobs are ripping out of his sunken chest. jaehyun can feel a wet patch on his ragged sheets forming by now, but he can’t find it in himself to care-

not when he feels so alone, so guilty, and so cowardly. he can’t do anything about his overwhelming feelings, can only bury them deeper when he sees the way taeyong loves johnny, the way his face lights up at every mention of his name. (that’s all jaehyun has ever wanted.)

  
  
  
  


jaehyun met taeyong in his freshman year of highschool. he was an awkward teenager, dealing with puberty and the exceedingly hard challenge of making new friends, as most teenagers do. and despite having a kind personality, jaehyun was more of an introvert, not wanting to step out of his comfort zone to meet anyone. 

he met taeyong by chance, when an exceptionally attractive classmate of his spilled his orange juice all over jaehyun’s ironed uniform. it was wet and uncomfortable, jaehyun remembers feeling it seep into his skin. however, he couldn’t even bother thinking about it, as he was simply in profound awe at how beautiful someone could look. taeyong was busy profusely apologizing, his bottom lip tucked under his teeth. 

maybe that’s when his crush started.

no, jaehyun doesn’t think it was then. at that point it was just a minor admiration. 

jaehyun thinks- no, knows he fell in love with taeyong on their highschool graduation day. the pair had left highschool for the very last time, and though jaehyun should’ve been feeling sadness and sorrow that day, nothing but euphoria flowed through his veins. 

“i can’t believe it; our first meal after graduating is cheap ice cream.” taeyong sighed, though as disappointed he wanted to seem, there was no doubt he was enjoying himself. 

jaehyun rolled his eyes, but couldn't help the delighted giggle that escaped his throat. “well, mister, if you were rich you could have treated us to some steak or something.” 

taeyong laughed. “why not you? why aren’t you rich? why does it have to be me?” 

their moonlit night continued with them laughing gaily and bickering, falling back on their blanket as they stared into the deep depths of the night sky. the stars were glittering brightly and jaehyun counted some of them, before turning to look at taeyong. he gleefully pointed at all the luminous stars with a beaming grin on his face and jaehyun didn't think he'd ever been that happy in his life. not when he was lying next to his best friend, who looked prettier than usual, whose lips looked so incredibly soft and--

  
  


it was a simpler time, just jaehyun, terribly in love with his best friend, who seemingly had no idea. presently, it’s jaehyun, still terribly in love with his best friend, who still seemingly has no idea, but now has a boyfriend. (thinking about it makes jaehyun want to cry even more.)

he’s been crying for so long his chest hurts and jaehyun doesn’t even comprehend why he’s crying anymore. the tears don’t seem to stop, his eyes refilling every time they empty. jaehyun doesn’t even realize how loud he’s been crying until he notices taeyong, who has wordlessly slipped into his room and made his way to his side. taeyong doesn’t say anything, simply rubbing his back in small circles.

(taeyong has always comforted jaehyun this way, using actions instead of words. it makes jaehyun want to cry even harder. he doesn’t deserve him.)

“hey, are you okay?” taeyong asks softly. he says it gently, treating jaehyun as delicately as glass.

jaehyun nods, but the burning tears continuing to stream down his rosy cheeks don’t make it very convincing. taeyong cups jaehyun’s face and uses his thumb to wipe away his tears, and jaehyun’s face heats up as he tries to squirm out of his grasp. 

“is it because of the kiss?” taeyong says, and jaehyun isn’t expecting it at all. he freezes.

“w-what?” jaehyun asks, pretending to be clueless. (though he knows there’s no point.) he chooses to stare at his thumbs instead of looking at taeyong. 

jaehyun doesn’t expect to hear taeyong smile. “if it’s because of the kiss, it’s okay. you were drunk, that’s all.” 

if only that were all.

and suddenly jaehyun feels so exhausted. the weight of having cried for so long crashes onto him, and he feels himself drifting in and out of sleep. taeyong notices, pulling the soft comforter over his body.

jaehyun blinks a few times, seeing the blurry image of taeyong staring at him with soft and adoring eyes before drifting off to sleep.

(oh how he wishes he could be loved by him.)

  
  


taeyong wakes him up the next morning after jaehyun hears the door quietly creak open for the fourth time, taeyong’s head peeking through. his eyes are puffy and burning from having cried so much, but he can make out the fuzzy image of taeyong grinning at him. taeyong’s positive energy is contagious, and jaehyun finds himself in a pleasanter mood than he would’ve been otherwise. he rubs his eyes and lazily pushes the blankets off of him, before looking up at taeyong, who hasn’t moved from his spot. 

“can you help me with breakfast?” he asks earnestly, a little embarrassed. jaehyun laughs to himself, knowing that taeyong has never been a very skilled cook. 

he walks over to the kitchen before carefully looking inside the sizzling frying pan. he sees two eggs with broken yolks, and jaehyun decides to scramble them, seeing as they’re beyond saving. taeyong observes him intently, following him around as if he were his shadow. jaehyun opens the fridge hoping to find other edible substances, but is present with a sad and rather empty sight.

“we’re going grocery shopping later.” jaehyun states, finishing up the eggs. taeyong utters a small noise of affirmation and looks at the eggs with hungry eyes. 

“my little jaehyun is such a good cook, isn’t he?” taeyong says teasingly, pinching one of jaehyun’s cheeks. jaehyun blushes immediately, relishing in the way taeyong says “my jaehyun.” 

when he and taeyong are finished eating jaehyun’s well-cooked scrambled eggs, they go to the grocery store.

it’s terribly busy, which is strange, as jaehyun has come here many times and it’s been comparatively mild. he wonders if there’s some particular event or sale going on that he doesn’t know about. taeyong runs off to find his favourite brand of chocolate flavoured ice cream and jaehyun continues looking for vegetables that haven’t spoiled. 

eventually, he does find the ones he needs and goes to look around for taeyong, pushing the shopping cart around. he sees taeyong in the ice cream aisle and taeyong meets his eye and gives him a slight smile. jaehyun’s heart flutters and looks down at his feet in an attempt to stop embarrassing himself. he hates how much taeyong undoubtedly affects him. (that’s a lie). 

later that day, when the groceries are all loaded into their now well-stocked fridge, taeyong barges into jaehyun’s room asking to borrow his clothes. jaehyun is in the middle of playing a rather competitive video game and reminds taeyong absentmindedly that he has a closet full of clothes. 

“all my cute stuff is in the laundry.” taeyong complains, and jaehyun knows if he turns around to look at him, he’ll see a pout on taeyong’s face. jaehyun doesn’t agree to anything but hears taeyong sliding open his closet door and rummaging through his clothing. 

“don’t make a mess. i don’t want to keep cleaning up.” taeyong doesn’t respond, only taking a sweater (jaehyun thinks) and leaving. when jaehyun is finished with his game, he walks out of his room to get a glass of water, feeling parched. 

silently, he fills up his glass with cold water and takes a sip, but the sight he sees takes everything in him not to immediately spit it out.

taeyong is seated on the couch, wearing his sweater. normally wouldn’t be a big deal at all, seeing as taeyong frequently likes to borrow jaehyun’s clothing. yet the way the sweater swallows him up makes jaehyun breathless. jaehyun quickly retreats back into his room, his heart beating loudly.

  
  
  


“i don’t know dude, you sound like you’re a little more gay than usual.” donghyuck concludes. 

jaehyun groans. donghyuck is right, but the information doesn’t aid him at all. mark is cooking something in the kitchen and jaehyun decides to leave, not wanting to intrude on their meal. he waves to both of them, with a smile from mark and a middle finger from donghyuck with a relatively bright smile.

jaehyun really doesn’t know what mark sees in him. 

  
  
  


it's a few days later when jaehyun wakes up and sees that taeyong isn’t home. 

it’s odd because taeyong usually wakes up much later than he does. jaehyun doesn’t mind it though, keenly enjoying the quietness of the apartment. he makes his way to the bathroom before going back to his room to grab his phone, and notices many texts from donghyuck.

  
  


**donghyuck** [11:28 am]

jaehyun OH MY GOD

**donghyuck** [11:28 am]

ahaaaa have a problem!!!

**donghyuck** [11:29 am]

although it might be less of a problem more of a blessing lowkey hahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha

**donghyuck** [11:29 am] 

oh my god im scared please dont be mad at me

**donghyuck** [11:29 am]

taeyong and johnny… broke up… and it might be my fault!!!!!!!! lol

**donghyuck** [11:29 am]

KEY WORD HERE IS MIGHT. it also involves u lol maybe

  
  
  


jaehyun rereads donghyuck’s texts, unbelieving. his mouth is opened wide, and he’s convinced his eyes are intentionally deceiving him. jaehyun doesn’t know how to feel, how he should feel and he isn’t sure if the ill feeling forming in his stomach is happiness or guilt. (it’s probably both.) 

as if on cue, jaehyun hears the door open and he rushes to go see taeyong, who looks miserable. really, really miserable. his dull eyes are sunken and it’s obvious he’s just been crying. (his plump lips are also kiss swollen, but jaehyun chooses to overlook that.) jaehyun feels his heart break at the sight. words are stuck in his burning throat and jaehyun subconsciously balls up his fists. seemingly ignoring him, taeyong makes his way to his room and jaehyun freezes in his spot.

**jaehyun** [11:40 am]

what the FUCK r u saying

**jaehyun** [11:40 am]

taeyong is crying.. what the fuck happened

**donghyuck** [11:41 am]

ok ok so i mightve you know…. like a few days ago telling mark about what happened bc he is my boyfriend and everything lmaoooo. and thne umm apparently like johnny was nearby or something and then he heard everything and then asked me about it

**donghyuck** [11:42 am]

AND I COULDNT JUST?/ NOT TELL HIM bc i clearly mentioned his name yk…. IT WAS MORE AWKWARD FOR ME OK!!

**donghyuck** [11:43 am]

i didnt tell u this earlier bc i didnt think this mattered but then. today doyoung said that taeyong and johnny like broke up and maybe fought a little (MAYBE) ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ahaaaa i dont know the details but hahahaha

**jaehyun** [11:45 am]

oh my god

**jaehyun** [11:45 am]

oh my god.

  
  
  


jaehyun’s palms are sweating, and he nervously makes his way to taeyong’s room, knocking quietly before opening it. the sound puts a pause on the quiet sobs that are coming from his room.

taeyong looks the same as he did minutes ago, the only noticeable difference being the countless tears falling down his face. his small body is shaking with sobs and jaehyun’s torn heart feels like it's doing somersaults. he wordlessly sits beside taeyong on his bed and lets the elder lean on his shoulder as he cries some more. 

“are you okay?” jaehyun asks softly, though he knows the answer already. of course he’s not okay. taeyong and johnny had been together for almost two years, and frankly, even jaehyun would be heartbroken if he were taeyong. he’s unsure of who broke up with whom, seeing as taeyong likely doesn’t want to talk about it. (but jaehyun has a feeling it was johnny.)

taeyong sniffles and shakes his head. “i really miss him.” taeyong lets out quietly. 

jaehyun ignores the way his heart cries- it isn’t the time nor place for him to feel hurt. instead, jaehyun brushes taeyong’s hair out of his face comfortingly, subconsciously allowing his hand to linger for a little too long.

guilt is starting to eat at jaehyun’s stomach and all he can think about is that it’s his fault. it’s his fault he got drunk; it’s his fault he kissed taeyong; it’s his fault that he’s been in love with taeyong but never had the balls to tell him, instead letting him fall in love with another person-- 

“jaehyun?” 

jaehyun snaps out of his thoughts and looks down at taeyong, who regards him with an indecipherable expression. his eyes are dilated and watery and jaehyun thinks he can see the entire galaxy in them if he looks hard enough. 

“yes?” 

“it’s not your fault.” 

they don’t say much after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah. SORRY this chapter took so long. jsut a lot of me editing and rewriting. my witner break is soon, so hopefully i can write and publish more! thanks to taenzanite for beta reading<3 love u bae<3
> 
> if u enjoyed please leave a kudos or a comment >< !! thank you<3!!


	3. sun&moon

when jaehyun wakes up, he sees taeyong sound asleep against his chest, and he feels like he might explode. taeyong looks so peaceful, so unguarded. his mouth is open slightly, tiny breaths making his chest rise and fall. there are dried tears on his glowing cheeks, his eyelids a little puffy. even in his most vulnerable state, taeyong is beautiful and jaehyun can’t help but stare and admire his poetic beauty. 

taeyong stirs gently in his sleep and starts to wake up. jaehyun is almost disappointed, wanting to watch taeyong’s restful state for a little longer.

“why are you staring at me?” taeyong groans, his voice scratchy and uneven from having cried the night before. jaehyun doesn’t answer, choosing instead to smile widely and flash his dimples at him. taeyong sighs contentedly and tries to get up, only to be held back by jaehyun’s arm. 

“can’t we stay like this for a little longer?” he asks, snugly nestling his face on the back of taeyong’s neck. he smells like lavender body wash.

taeyong lets out a small grunt, but he stops struggling and ultimately sinks back into the younger's grasp. jaehyun has always been clingy, liking to be too close for comfort. taeyong has grown used to it, willingly letting him hold and embrace him. (taeyong was more opposed to it at first, but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t grown to like it.)

the cheap blinds in taeyong’s room do an inadequate job at blocking out the sunlight from his room. as a result, jaehyun can feel the warmth seep into his skin and eventually decides it’s probably a good time to get out of bed. (not that he wants to, but the fervent heat bother him too much to fall back asleep.) taeyong’s has dozed off again, and jaehyun creeps out of bed, shutting the door behind him quietly. 

it crosses jaehyun’s mind that they have a lot to talk about, but he chooses to avoid the elephant in the room. instead, he does what he does best and avoids the problem.   
  
  


strangely enough, when jaehyun thought about what he was going to do on a saturday, he didn’t think he’d end up at yuta’s fraternity house. yet here he was, on a chilly saturday morning, standing on the doorstep of said house. there are discarded beer cans on the grassy lawn, obvious remnants from a previous party. this shouldn’t come as a surprise to jaehyun (and it doesn’t) as yuta’s fraternity is popularly known for throwing parties. in fact, he’s almost a little surprised at how the house is tidier than he’d expected.

jaehyun doesn’t get the chance to continue carefully inspecting yuta’s front lawn when the door swings open.

“jaehyun!” yuta greets enthusiastically, and jaehyun's met with a familiar smile. jaehyun matches his energy, his charming smile causing his prominent dimples to show. yuta lets jaehyun inside and he takes off his shoes, feet cold on the marble floors despite wearing socks. doyoung is sitting on the plush couch in the living room, and seems a little stunned when he makes eye contact with jaehyun. 

doyoung's slight surprise is due to the fact that jaehyun has never visited yuta’s house before, to put it simply. if he's being honest, the number of homes jaehyun has gone to comprises of not very few. he typically enjoys staying at home or simply being alone, with the only exception being donghyuck. (and, well, taeyong too.) therefore it is odd, when jaehyun shows up with only a text’s notice. in fact, he’d be a little surprised if he were doyoung too. (jaehyun figures his days have been less than usual as of recently, so he doesn’t care.) 

when yuta brings him up the stairs and into his room, the furthest room to the to the left, he gestures for jaehyun to sit on the bed. jaehyun happily takes a seat, sinking into the soft mattress. yuta rolls over a gaming chair and takes a seat on it, turning towards jaehyun.

“so?” yuta asks. he has a tiny grin on his face, and his one word is said with a tone that has many implications. jaehyun scans the room, taking note of a chocolate bar wrapping lying on the floor. “well- uh.” the words leave jaehyun’s head, and he suddenly feels as though he doesn’t know how to start talking. his sudden text to yuta had been spontaneous, saying _“can i talk to you?”._

“well? you said you wanted to talk. what about?” yuta questions. he bores his eyes into jaehyun and his gaze is almost intimidating. jaehyun continues to fumble with his words, staring directly at the floor.

“is it taeyong?” 

bingo. 

soon enough, jaehyun is telling yuta everything about taeyong that he can think of off the top of his head. the story of how they initially met to present, and everything in between. yuta is an easy person to talk to, an avid listener as well. adding hums and small comments when appropriate. by the end of it, jaehyun’s throat is sore and he feels slightly breathless. he isn’t sure how long he’s been talking, but he’s sure it’s been more than an hour. when jaehyun finishes, yuta takes a moment to blink at him, seemingly processing the copious amount of information he has just received. “wow. i knew you liked taeyong, but i didn’t realize you were in love with him.” 

jaehyun’s ears turn a delicate shade of pink and he scratches the nape of his neck. after talking for so long, yuta’s one sentence renders him speechless.

“and you’re positive he doesn’t like you back?” yuta’s words are spoken softer this time around, and when jaehyun lifts his head to look at him, his eyes are gentle. as if an apology. jaehyun loathes it; he doesn’t want to be pitied. 

“certain.” 

yuta huffs. “i don’t think that’s true.” 

jaehyun makes a noise of surprise. 

“when i first met you guys, i literally thought you were dating.” yuta says genuinely. jaehyun’s mouth drops open slightly, but yuta continues before jaehyun can interrupt him.

“you guys were always a pair; like the sun and the moon. inseparable. i always saw you together and thought you were both in love with each other, ‘cause it certainly seemed that way.” yuta explains, and jaehyun stares at him unbelievingly. 

“everyone else thought likewise.” yuta adds, to which jaehyun shakes his head. “and honestly jaehyun, i think maybe he loves you too. perhaps you’ve just been too busy convincing yourself otherwise.”

ever since jaehyun was little, he’s always been collected and reserved; keeping to himself most of the time. for a while his father even taught him that friends were nothing but a waste of time, and thus never went out of his way to make any. by the time he had realized that that was far from the truth, his old habits had died hard. 

jaehyun considers himself a relatively successful person, to his standard, at the very least. he knows his goals and recognizes what he needs to do to achieve them. he’s rarely sidetracked, and if he is, he makes it his priority to get back on track. 

that’s how jaehyun’s always been. he rarely does anything out of the ordinary; he goes to work, goes to the library and periodically goes to donghyuck’s apartment. that’s all. he doesn’t go on dates, doesn’t make any advances in his love life and doesn’t try to either; he merely stays as he is. but based on jaehyun’s recent actions, he isn’t too sure of how much truth is in that statement anymore.

jaehyun doesn’t remember falling asleep, but after realizing he’s dreaming, he’ll bet he did after tiredly tumbling into bed. he’s always been good at recognizing if he’s dreaming or not, and frequently finds himself lucid during his dreams. (on the occasions that he _does_ dream or remembers them at least.) the scene that plays out is familiar- like a memory. the only person jaehyun can really see is taeyong, the background a fuzzy blur. taeyong frequently visits him in his dreams, and sometimes jaehyun thinks he’s crazy for seeing him so much subconsciously. 

“so, you’ve never kissed anyone before?” taeyong teases. his voice is a little higher pitched than it is now, his face youthful; features delicate. it is definitely a dream and jaehyun thinks it takes place from at least a few years ago. jaehyun has had this dream many times, and he knows where this is going. (it has reoccurred enough times for him to know exactly how the scene plays out.)

jaehyun feels his cheeks warm up, and he can’t tell if it’s a part of a dream or because he’s actually feeling a little nervous. “no, i haven’t.” his voice is also higher pitched, sounding like a squeak in his ears, almost unrecognizable. his words are let out softly, with a hint of shakiness and uncertainty.

taeyong’s staring down at his shoes, feet wiggling around inside them, as if contemplating what he should do next. “i haven’t either,” he utters. he looks up and meets jaehyun’s eyes, as if silently seeking permission for what he’s going to do next.

and then he’s leaning in like he always has-

“jaehyun.” 

jaehyun snaps awake, blinking rapidly. he almost jumps when he sees taeyong’s slender figure standing beside his bed. 

“what?” he croaks, voice deep and hoarse from sleep.

taeyong sniffles quietly and jaehyun realizes he’s been crying. “it’s cold in my room… can i sleep in your bed?”

and because jaehyun has always had a soft spot for taeyong and has never been good at saying no, he moves aside for taeyong to climb into his arms. taeyong curls into jaehyun’s chest, his breathing growing slower and steadier. jaehyun can feel the warm puffs of air on his arm. this isn’t the first time they’ve slept in the same bed together, yet jaehyun doesn’t recall ever feeling this nervous before. 

“are you okay?” jaehyun whispers, unsure if taeyong is even awake anymore. he’s met with a prolonged pause and for a moment he thinks taeyong has fallen asleep. he stares at the ceiling blankly, thinking of the dream he had before waking up.

“no, but i will be.” comes taeyong’s response, so quiet that jaehyun almost misses it. jaehyun nods to himself, closing his eyes. he tries his best to sleep after that.

jaehyun can’t help but grow used to the gentle feeling of taeyong falling asleep in his arms. it’s beginning to become a daily occurrence, and jaehyun thinks he’d even have trouble sleeping comfortably without taeyong by his side. when taeyong was dating johnny, it was almost rare for them to share a bed. jaehyun understood why, as taeyong was in a relationship and most likely had boundaries. (jaehyun couldn’t help feeling a bit upset at that anyway.)

nowadays, it happens so often that jaehyun can’t remember what his bed feels like without taeyong’s warmth lying in it beside him anymore. along with the bed sharing, it’s additionally become a habit of jaehyun’s to wake up early and spend his time staring at taeyong’s pretty face. taeyong’s face is calm, prominent eyebrows occasionally furrowing in his sleep. jaehyun experiences the urge to press a tiny kiss on his rosy lips.

“you can kiss me if you want.” 

jaehyun blinks. it takes him a moment to realize that taeyong has woken up, doe eyes staring right back at him. jaehyun’s mouth opens when he registers what taeyong has said to him. he’s in the middle of figuring out whether or not he has just hallucinated those words, before taeyong beats him to an answer. “or not, i guess.” taeyong adds. it’s so nonchalant it has jaehyun gulping as he gets out of bed and leaves the room. 

“w-wait! you-” 

jaehyun tries to say something but taeyong’s already shut the door behind him. jaehyun’s head is spinning as he tries to figure out what just happened.

“he said you can _kiss_ him?” donghyuck asks, and his expression matches jaehyun’s reaction when he initially heard the elder’s words. jaehyun nods, equally as confused as donghyuck. 

“either this man is losing his mind or… he’s in love with you. no in-between.” donghyuck reasonably concludes, to which jaehyun lets out a groan at. 

“yeah jaehyun, that’s not something you would just casually say to your friend.” mark chimes, listening intently to jaehyun’s story. jaehyun rubs his eyes, unsure of what to say. 

“i think this is a sign to put on your big boy pants and tell him you like him.” donghyuck suggests, for the nth time. 

“right now? as everyone is dealing with the aftermaths of the breakup?” mark asks in a low voice. jaehyun nods along, mark’s words matching his anxious thoughts. their friend group took a little damage when johnny and taeyong broke up, both of them having been together for so long. everyone just wasn’t used to it. the two of them had been dating the longest in their group, with donghyuck and mark a few months behind them.

in fact, jaehyun reckons some of them have picked sides. not in the sense that they’re in a big fight, but jaehyun can’t lie that he feels like some of his friends have started to avoid taeyong. (and vice-versa.) he supposes he doesn’t have any right to comment on the situation though, not having seen johnny since the acrimonious breakup. (he knows the guilt will be too much to handle.) 

the one person keeping everyone together seems to be yuta, as he gets along with everyone with his lively and pleasant personality. hell, even jaehyun can't deny how much he enjoys yuta’s company. 

yuta is also good friends with both johnny and taeyong. in fact, jaehyun is reasonably sure that yuta is the one who properly introduced the two of them to each other. which is why jaehyun isn’t really surprised that he (and mark and donghyuck) all get a text from him at the same time, from their group chat.

_we’re going to dinner tomorrow at 5pm. ALL of us. be there or be square._

jaehyun wonders what yuta is planning. 

the restaurant yuta invites everyone to is a rather fancy one. one that jaehyun wouldn’t typically set foot in. he knows yuta’s family is quite rich, has heard someone mention it before at least. either way, he’s pleasantly surprised when he hears donghyuck tell him and mark that yuta’s treating them, even calling to make sure. 

jaehyun comes by himself, having just taken a shower. taeyong wasn’t home when he was getting ready, and jaehyun is unsure of his whereabouts. not that it matters, he supposes. his roommate always seems to be out and about somewhere. 

the hostess smiles at jaehyun once he gives her his name, and takes him up the stairs and into yuta’s reserved room. the halls are dimly lit and the faint sound of quiet chatter can be heard throughout. 

pushing open the door, jaehyun can see yuta, taeyong, johnny, sicheng, mark, donghyuck, and doyoung gathered around the table. jaehyun figures that taeil and jungwoo are running a little late, and takes a seat between donghyuck and taeyong. sitting directly across from them is johnny and yuta, and jaehyun can feel the tension; thick enough to cut with a knife. 

everyone else seems to be engaged in hushed conversations.

“loosen up guys,” comes yuta’s voice. “once taeil and jungwoo get here we can order some food.” 

and though yuta does try his best to ease the tension, there’s no doubt that everyone’s a little on edge. jaehyun can see taeyong biting his lip, typing away at his phone. he knows taeyong well enough to recognize that he’s trying to avoid making eye contact with johnny. johnny on the other hand is talking with yuta, not sparing him a glance. and though the tension is heavy in the air, it’s almost easy to miss. even as taeyong and johnny are acting as complete strangers, they aren’t doing anything _directly_ to each other- no quick glances or anything. they’re simply ignoring each other’s presence and jaehyun doesn’t know what to think of it.

eventually, taeil and jungwoo show up together, stumbling through the door. jungwoo waves at jaehyun and jaehyun smiles at him.

sensing taeyong’s growing anxiety beside him, jaehyun puts his hand over taeyong’s and gives him a small grin. taeyong beams, feeling comforted, and relaxes a little, shoulders slumping. it’s enough to satisfy jaehyun. 

when the food finally comes around, jaehyun doesn’t hesitate to shove a spoonful of it into his mouth. yuta teases him, saying “aw, is jaehyunnie that hungry?” jaehyun laughs a little and glances at taeyong who looks… almost displeased. it’s a strange look and jaehyun doesn’t know why taeyong would have such an expression on his face. he chooses to brush it off, figuring it’s due to the fact his ex-boyfriend is sitting so close to him. (yet so far away at the same time.)

after a few drinks, everyone’s pretty much back to normal, acting as they did before the breakup. jaehyun doesn’t touch his drink, scared of what might happen if he does. donghyuck on the other hand doesn’t hold back, constantly needing mark’s help standing up as a result. taeyong has had just enough alcohol for his cheeks to be visibly flushed, a light crimson. jaehyun coos at the sight. 

“so, johnny, what happened between you and taeyong?” jungwoo asks suddenly, voice drowsy. jaehyun’s ears perk up immediately and the room quiets down. jungwoo has always been a rather outspoken drunk, and jaehyun knows he’ll probably regret this tomorrow. either way, the words sit in the air, and for what seems like the first time the entire night, johnny and taeyong make eye contact with each other. both of them look at each other for the answer, neither of them wanting to answer the question. 

doyoung nudges jungwoo a bit, giving him a stern look that says “shut up”, but jungwoo doesn’t seem to take the hint, still in his drunken haze. 

“you guys were doing great right? so, why did you break up out of nowhere?” 

taeyong’s mouth opens, though no words come out. doyoung grabs jungwoo and ushers him out of the room, muttering harsh whispers into his ear. if jaehyun knows any better, jungwoo is probably getting scolded right now. poor kid. taeyong gets up, chair squeaking as it pushes back. he looks a little teary-eyed. “i- um. i’m gonna go. i had fun tonight. see you guys,” he says quickly, stumbling over his words. he rushes to leave. johnny watches him worriedly, following him soon after, saying a quick “i’ll be right back.” 

the room is silent and nobody knows what to say after that. 

“well. i certainly didn't expect that to happen!” yuta jokes, trying to lighten up the mood. jaehyun giggles a little to himself. feeling thirsty, he downs a cup of beer, the bitter taste making him grimace. jaehyun makes an excuse about needing to pee and decides to go check on taeyong and johnny. he walks out the heavy doors of the restaurant and eventually he's able to make out the familiar voices of johnny and taeyong around the back of the wall. jaehyun tiptoes towards the wall and peers over it, careful as to not make any noise. 

“i don’t get it, why can’t we just get back together?” taeyong cries, though it’s more of a whine. his voice is watery and jaehyun can tell that he’s crying. it occurs to jaehyun that he shouldn’t be listening to this at all and should be getting back to his friends. yet he can’t bring himself to leave, feet planted in place.

“taeyong. you know why we can’t do that.” johnny’s voice is soft, spoken with reason, but taeyong just lets out a sob. 

jaehyun realizes that if he continues watching _he_ might end up being the one hurt, and breathlessly turns away when he sees taeyong press his lips against johnny’s. he scurries back into the restaurant, pretending he doesn’t hear taeyong’s tearful and sincere “i love you”. 

jaehyun supposes he should’ve realized taeyong was in love with johnny, thinks it was stupid of him to think otherwise. 

in fact, jaehyun realizes now that maybe he’ll never be loved by taeyong. that maybe he never had a chance at all. not when taeyong is lying on his shoulder, crying about johnny for what seems like the 100th time. jaehyun can barely make out what he’s saying, only catching a “i love him” every now and then. his hand is cramping from having brushed taeyong’s hair out of his face constantly, and for the first time since taeyong and johnny broke up, jaehyun allows himself to ask about it.

“why _don’t_ you just get back together?” 

to jaehyun, it’s the obvious question; the elephant in the room. frankly, jungwoo was right. they both were doing great, and very clearly liked each other very much. in fact, they still were _still_ visibly in love with each other. as much as jaehyun tried to ignore it, there’s no way he could deny that fact.

to jaehyun’s surprise, a small smile tugs at the outer corners of taeyong’s lips. his glassy eyes meet jaehyun’s confused ones, but he doesn’t say a word. jaehyun has a feeling taeyong won’t say anything and decides not to pry any further. 

“i’m never touching a drink ever again in my life.” jungwoo mutters, shaking his head vigorously. he’s rubbing at his temples like he’s made some grave mistake, which to be fair, wouldn’t be far from the truth. jaehyun stifles a laugh, the scene of jungwoo being hungover feeling almost nostalgic.

“god, i have to apologize to them,” jungwoo mumbles and he’s mostly talking to himself by this point. “you know how they say drunk words are sober thoughts? i’m going to be honest, their breakup has been one of my lingering thoughts, but i didn’t think i’d actually _ask_ them about it.” jungwoo groans some more, and jaehyun smiles to himself while nodding along.

“both of their mouths are sealed tight. i doubt we’ll find out anything anytime soon.” jaehyun sighs, memories of his conversation with taeyong replaying in his head. his eyes burn slightly from the lack of sleep he received last night. he goes back to thinking to himself idly, before the silence is interrupted by jungwoo’s cheerful voice.

“oh shit! jaehyun, it’s snowing outside!” jungwoo exclaims, finger pointing at the large glass windows. jaehyun whips his head around, and sure enough, white flakes of snow are slowly falling from the sky. it’s the first snow of the year, and jaehyun thinks it’s _beautiful._ it sparks a memory, a fond one, of the first snow a few years ago. 

(“walking home was a terrible idea. we should’ve waited for the bus or something.” jaehyun groans. his toes feel numb with cold and his hands are a bright red. 

“i told you to dress warmer, idiot.” taeyong mumbles. he nonetheless takes off his oversized scarf and wraps it around jaehyun’s neck carefully, enveloping him in the warmth. his icy and slender hands occasionally brushing over jaehyun’s neck. 

jaehyun makes another noise of dissatisfaction under his breath, though he can’t deny how much better he feels with taeyong’s scarf wrapped around him. it’s warm, taeyong having just worn it, and it smells _just_ like him- a fresh scent, almost a little like grapefruit. jaehyun finds comfort in dipping the lower half of his face into it. 

“feeling better now?” taeyong asks sincerely, though there’s a teasing lilt to his voice. jaehyun grumbles, but it doesn’t come out as annoyed as he’d like it too. jaehyun wants to complain again, but the words die down in his throat when he sees a snowflake land on taeyong’s head, followed by a dozen more. 

“it’s the first snow of the year!” taeyong says with a gasp, raising his head to watch it fall on him. “and, i’m glad i’m experiencing it with you, jaehyunnie.”)

pulling out his phone to check the date, jaehyun realizes he should it's probably an appropriate time to start his christmas shopping. he uses that as his excuse to step into an incticing bookstore; a small one, located on the corner of a busy street. the exterior is decorated in colourful christmas lights, the words “merry christmas!” handwritten on the wooden sign outside. the snow landing on the shop’s plants make it all the more alluring, and jaehyun finds himself compelled to walk inside.

the interior is even cozier than the outside, christmas decorations adorning every surface. it’s bigger than it looks, with a set of stairs leading to a second floor. jaehyun makes a mental note to revisit this place sometime. he walks around slowly, admiring everything he sees, eventually pulling out a book to read. jaehyun finds himself immersed in the reading, but a tap on his shoulder brings him out of his trance.

he doesn’t expect to see johnny with a familiar grin on his face.

“hi, jaehyun.” he says quietly, careful as to not disturb the peaceful ambiance of the store.

jaehyun is taken aback, not expecting to meet johnny in such a store. “oh, hey.” 

the two of them go to the back of the store, where a few people are scattered across the few wooden tables placed around each other. the kind store owner offers them a cup of hot chocolate and they gratefully accept it, endless “thank you”s rolling off their tongues. 

taking a seat, jaehyun takes a sip of the sweet liquid, though it does nothing to stop the simmering of anxiety in his stomach. 

“don’t be nervous, jaehyun.” johnny laughs, reading him like an open book. “i just want to talk for a little. offer some closure. you of all people deserve it.” 

jaehyun’s head spins. him? what closure does he need? frankly, what does this breakup have to do with him at all?

though jaehyun offers no response, continuing to drink his hot chocolate, johnny carries on. “you know, i really loved taeyong. i still do. it’s hard not to fall in love with him.” 

jaehyun furrows his eyebrows. why is johnny telling him this?

“i suppose you’d know that as well.” 

jaehyun’s eyes widen and he quickly puts his cup down, ready to say an apology (for embarrassingly being in love with his ex-boyfriend).

jaehyun nervously looks johnny in the eye; his eyes are soft, and to jaehyun's surprise, there isn't a hint of anger to be seen. in fact, johnny is almost looking at jaehyun _apologetically._

after a moment of hesitation, johnny takes a glance at his watch and lets out a sigh. “i don’t have too much time right now, so i’m hoping we can talk privately again sometime. what i really want to say is, i’m sorry, jaehyun. and, taeyong cares for you more than you think.” 

with that, johnny is standing up and pushing his chair in, rushing out the door with a wave. jaehyun is left in awe of what he just heard, unsure of what to think. a million thoughts are running through jaehyun's head, with the words _taeyong cares for you more than you think_ beginning to repeat themselves in his mind.   
  


“that’s all he said?” yuta asks in disbelief. they’re sat on jaehyun’s bed, jaehyun having invited him over immediately after his conversation with johnny. 

“yeah, what am i supposed to make of that?” jaehyun questions, shoving his head into his pillow. 

“dude, it kind of sounds like he just told you taeyong is in love with you.” yuta deadpans, to which jaehyun rolls his eyes at.

“no, that does not sound like what he told me, _at all.”_ jaehyun counters. 

“you’re so stubborn,” yuta giggles, and jaehyun’s about to deny it, before yuta adds: “it’s cute though.” 

jaehyun groans, cheeks heating up. “don’t say that.” he whines embarrassingly. 

“why? it’s the truth.” yuta teases. jaehyun sees that there’s no point bickering with yuta, and sighs in defeat. yuta seems happy that he’s won and goes to pinch at jaehyun’s cheeks. they both let out little laughs, jaehyun not being able to contain his smile at the sight of yuta’s wide grin.

“have you ever kissed anyone before?” yuta suddenly asks.

jaehyun furrows his eyebrows, confused at the random question. “well, yes. if the drunk taeyong kiss counts.” 

yuta nods. “did you feel any sparks?” 

jaehyun covers his face with his hands. “why are you asking?” he mumbles. “i can’t remember. i was drunk, yuta!” 

he’s about to ask the same question back to yuta- when yuta is suddenly pressing his lips against jaehyun’s. his lips are soft, albeit a little chapped. though jaehyun has always felt attraction towards the elder, the kiss feels empty, no affection behind it. jaehyun can’t help but think that it’s _much_ different from the one he shared with taeyong, even if it was just a drunk kiss he barely remembers. 

“sorry, i just wanted to see something.” comes yuta’s excuse after pulling away, sneaky smile on his face. jaehyun’s cheeks turn crimson and he’s a little confused at why yuta suddenly _kissed_ him, but decides against asking him for a reason. jaehyun knows he means nothing with the kiss and goes back to hiding his face in his hands. 

one movie and a tub of ice cream later, yuta tells jaehyun he should probably get home. jaehyun nods while yawning, walking yuta to his front door. as yuta is putting on his shoes, the swift sound of keys jingling can be heard. following suite, taeyong walks in, breathing heavily due to the cold. his nose and cheeks are red, and jaehyun thinks he looks adorable, like rudolph the raindeer. yuta says a quick greeting to taeyong, before walking past him, hands shoved into his pockets.

“so, you had yuta over?” taeyong asks after he shuts the door, though it isn’t said with the sincerity jaehyun is used to, and he feels himself getting irritated. 

“yeah, is there a problem?” jaehyun answers emotionlessly and he sees taeyong clench and unclench his jaw. he doesn't know why he's suddenly trying to rile taeyong up, but the words tumble out before he can stop them.

“nope, none at all.” taeyong lets out, walking towards his room. he doesn't look at jaehyun.

“i kissed him too.” jaehyun adds, not skipping a beat. jaehyun _really_ doesn’t know what’s gotten into him. his mind is screaming at him to stop talking; to apologize. taeyong turns around, and a look of hurt is on his face, though it’s hidden behind his frown.

“really?” taeyong scoffs. “didn’t think you had it in you.” 

ouch. 

“sorry i don’t date everyone i see.” jaehyun spits, and it’s laced with hurt and emotion. jaehyun doesn’t mean what he says, doesn’t want to say these things at all. but all the emotions he’s been bottling up and all the tension he’s been ignoring, seem to just be spilling out. 

“you know what, jaehyun? if you’re getting this defensive about yuta, why don’t you just date him then? hell, go have sex with him for all i care.” taeyong’s voice is shaking, words said with as much bite as possible.

jaehyun doesn’t want to fight. the words coming out of his mouth feel foreign. “maybe i will. that’d make you really happy, wouldn’t it? so i can stop bothering you and you can go find johnny?”

jaehyun feels tears well up in his eyes, and taeyong softens at the sight, voice quieter than before. “jaehyun, you don’t bother me. you know that.”

taeyong looks at jaehyun with _love_ , and jaehyun is tired of tricking himself into thinking that taeyong thinks of him as more than a friend. 

“don’t look at me like that.” jaehyun snaps.

“why?”

jaehyun takes a deep breath. “because taeyong, i’m in love with you, and i can’t take it anymore! i can’t take it when you make me feel that _maybe_ you feel the same way, and then you go and fucking _beg_ johnny to take you back. it fucking hurts. it hurts so much because i’ve been in love with you for so long that i don’t even know how _not_ to love you! you’ll never feel the same way and _god_ , i’m just an idiot.” 

the tears are free falling from jaehyun’s face. regret is already starting to seep in; this wasn't how he planned to tell taeyong about his feelings at all. jaehyun was supposed to be more calm and more collected; not telling taeyong while his voice shakes and tears run down his cheeks. it's too late now, and he avoids taeyong’s gaze at all costs, making a quick turn for the door and leaving the apartment. jaehyun ignores taeyong calling after him, choosing to speed up instead.

  
  


“let me get this straight. you got into an argument with taeyong and ended up telling him about your feelings?” donghyuck asks in disbelief, hands on jaehyun’s shoulders. 

jaehyun nods, not trusting any words to come out of his mouth. his fingers feel numb and his ears are red from the cold. 

“and, you didn’t even let him respond?” 

jaehyun shakes his head, more tears coming out, landing on donghyuck’s wooden floors.”b-because, donghyuck. i’m embarrassed. it’s so _obvious_ that he’ll give me some bullshit about how we’re just friends and i don’t know if i can take it.” jaehyun says, voice shaky, words quiet. 

and because donghyuck understands jaehyun, he understands that he just needs space to collect his thoughts. donghyuck doesn’t say anything else, silently giving him a blanket when he goes to crash on his couch. there's a small and comforting smile on donghyuck's face, one that says _i'm here for you_. it numbs jaehyun's pain just slightly.

jaehyun doesn't know when he starts to cry, but eventually his sobs tire out his body and he drifts off into slumber.

when jaehyun wakes up, his head stings. he opens his eyes slowly. with the curtains pulled back, everything outside the windows look brighter than usual, due to the snow on the ground. he sees a paper bag on the coffee table, and he recognizes that it’s from his favourite bakery. hopping off the couch with enthusiasm, he peers inside. there’s an assortment of different pastries, and jaehyun feels his mouth water. he reaches into the bag eagerly, digging out what looks like an apple fritter. jaehyun has already taken a bite out of it by the time donghyuck walks out of the bathroom. 

“oh, you’re awake. taeyong dropped those off earlier.” donghyuck tells him, and jaehyun stops chewing.

“he came by earlier?” he asks, mouth stuffed full with food.

“yeah, said he didn’t wanna wake you,” donghyuck explains. “he also looked kinda sad, jaehyun, said that you haven’t been responding to his texts. mentioned how he just wants to talk to you.” 

jaehyun bites his lip, remembering how he turned off his phone after receiving an abundance of notifications from taeyong. “alright.”

donghyuck walks over and takes a seat next to him, looking at him tenderly. “are you okay?”

“i think. i think i am.” jaehyun says quietly. 

“i don’t wanna be the one who says this, but you know i have to. you can’t avoid your problems forever, jaehyun." 

  
  


if there is one word to describe how jaehyun is feeling right now, it would be cowardly. pusillanimous, if he wants to get fancy.

he texted his mom an hour ago, saying he was coming for christmas, and soon hurried back to his apartment to pack his bags. jaehyun knows taeyong won’t be home for another hour, and he’s rushing to pack his things before he gets back. he feels like a criminal, like he’s doing something illegal, with the way he scrambles to shove clothes into his backpack. 

jaehyun knows he can’t avoid taeyong forever, but he makes an excuse to himself that taking some time off before confronting his feelings won’t hurt. 

jaehyun knows he just wants to escape. and so that's what he does. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if there are any mistakes, i have reread and gone through this many many times, but im only human! plus its 12am and im tired and just wanted to publish this chapter alreadyy:P 
> 
> if u enjoyed, please leave a kudos/comment!!
> 
> see you in the next and final chapter !! ><


	4. i.o.u

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter ahhh!!!!!11

the comforting sight of dazzling snow on the ground does nothing to help the dull ache in jaehyun’s chest. jaehyun can’t tell if it’s sadness, guilt, or regret, but he doesn’t try to ponder it. instead, he focuses on trying to capture a few snowflakes in his mouth, heartily enjoying the feeling of them melting against his tongue. 

“jaehyun, what are you doing outside? it’s freezing. dinner is ready.” comes his mother’s familiar voice, nagging him. he nods and goes back inside to his childhood home, the snow on his head dampening his hair. 

picking up his chopsticks, he goes for one of the various dishes his mom made, and sighs contentedly at the impeccable taste of home-cooked food. nothing beats jaehyun’s mother’s cooking, and the painfully long train ride is undoubtedly made worth it. 

“no taeyong this time?” jaehyun’s mother asks innocently. the name makes jaehyun stop for a moment, his chewing halted. he coughs a little before responding. 

“no. he said he was uh- busy. yeah.” jaehyun mutters, hoping his mom will believe his pathetic excuse. he almost finds it amusing that he can never escape taeyong, as some form of him seems to always follow him wherever he goes. 

jaehyun’s mother hums, content with the answer and not prying any further. (much to his relief.) he knows she only asked because taeyong came home with him last year and the year before that, almost like a tradition. reminding himself of those warm memories, jaehyun feels a spike of guilt. he pictures taeyong in their apartment alone, and the feeling worsens.

stuffed too full for his liking, jaehyun manages to convince his mother that he cannot eat anymore or he might _throw up_. his mother, as all moms do, tries to feed him some more, saying that he’s too thin. it requires a few minutes of pushing and pulling for her to ultimately give up. she tells him she’s cleaned his room and replaced the bedsheets, his bedroom ready for him to sleep in. 

the room, though having different sheets, is still the same as jaehyun remembers it; shelves filled with colourful comic books and his well loved stuffed bear placed by the plump pillows. jaehyun feels himself almost relieving his childhood as he surveys the room. on his bedside table, there is a box of tissues and a photograph of him and taeyong. it’s a photo captured of them on their highschool graduation date, the two of them smiling so widely their cheeks probably hurted. jaehyun grabs the frame, feeling himself warm up at the sight. realizing what he’s down, he swiftly puts the photograph down, face first.

he’s meant to escape taeyong, not think about him even more.

the dying days go by quickly, and jaehyun realizes it’s already christmas eve. he’s been home for four days now, undoubtedly meaning his escape is quickly expiring. his phone is still in his loaded backpack, cold and untouched. jaehyun takes a deep breath and decides to stop being a coward and turns it on. he leaves his house and goes for a walk, telling his mom he’ll be back soon. 

as expected, there’s many missed calls and texts from taeyong. jaehyun doesn’t read them, just reads how many he has left. jaehyun finds out that he even tried calling him today. he clears his notifications and walks towards a nearby coffee shop. he’s in the mood for an iced americano, even if the foul weather isn’t suited for it. it’s a pretty long walk, but jaehyun has time. the entire duration of the walk, jaehyun’s eyes are glued to his phone, going through the many missed notifications he has received. he sees pictures of mark and donghyuck by a christmas tree ( _gross, i hate happy people_ jaehyun thinks), sees a selfie that doyoung posted, and _oh_.

a picture of johnny at the café he is about to walk into, posted _20 minutes ago_.

 _perfect_ , jaehyun thinks. a part of him hopes that perhaps johnny has already left, but jaehyun knows him well enough to know he likes to sit there for at least an hour. be it that he’s a slow drinker or simply likes the ambiance, jaehyun isn’t too sure. but after a few coffee trips with the elder, he can confirm johnny spends longer than necessary at coffee shops, based on jaehyun’s preferences. 

jaehyun sighs, and seeing how he’s already walked so far, he decides to get his americano anyway. he silently hopes that maybe he’ll be able to avoid johnny’s eye contact.

fate doesn’t seem to be by his side though, not when the first thing jaehyun hears while walking in is his name being called. he whips his head around, not surprised when he sees johnny’s warm and welcoming smile. seeing how this is inevitable and jaehyun can’t just turn around and run away, he walks towards him. 

“johnny, i didn’t know you’d be in my hometown!” he cordially greets. 

“yeah! my cousin actually lives around here, and our christmas celebrations are at his house this year,” johnny explains. jaehyun nods along, still standing.

“what do you want to drink? i’ll get it for you.” johnny offers, and soon he's pushing his creaking chair in and on his way to the cashier. jaehyun rushes to tell him it’s fine and that he can pay for his own drink, but soon defeatedly mumbles " _an iced americano please_ ” under his breath. the victory causes johnny to grin. when johnny comes back with his drink and another drink in his other hand, jaehyun thanks him endlessly. 

“don’t thank me, jaehyun. we’re friends, and it’s the holidays, it’s no biggie.” johnny says kindly. 

putting the drink to his lips, jaehyun hums when he tastes the familiarity of the coffee. 

“how lucky is it that we’re both conveniently here at the same time? i wanted to talk to you more too!” johnny laughs, and jaehyun’s swallows dryly at the thought of johnny potentially confronting him. 

“what is it that- that you want to talk about?” jaehyun asks quietly, though the answer is obvious. (he just can’t bring himself to say it.)

“i want to talk about the breakup,” johnny responds predictably, and without waiting for jaehyun to respond, he continues. “like i said last time, i really loved taeyong. still do.” 

jaehyun nods curtly, feeling like johnny is rehearsing a speech. (one that he really doesn’t want to hear.)

“but, i was selfish, jaehyun. i took advantage of the fact that you weren’t going to admit your feelings for taeyong anytime soon.” johnny explains softly, his voice apologetic.

jaehyun’s head is spinning. he’s played out many times what their conversation would be like in his head, but he’s positive johnny has never said anything of this sort. 

“what?” jaehyun exclaims, gawking at him. 

“it’s obvious you’re in love with him, jaehyun. it’s always been obvious, even to me; even when i tried to ignore it,” johnny smiles, his hands molding around his warm cup. “at first i even thought you guys were dating, since you were always together. hell, you even _lived_ together, i thought there was no way you guys weren’t a thing.” 

“but then i found out you weren’t dating at all. just best friends. both you and taeyong profusely denied any kinds of romantic feelings towards each other,” johnny recalls. jaehyun almost smiles to himself, remembering the great lengths he went to just to deny his feelings. (which were very clearly there.) “and i thought, hey. maybe jaehyun needs some time, because there’s no way he isn’t completely in love with taeyong. you looked at him like he was your entire world.”

jaehyun wants the floor to open up and consume him at this point, unsure of how much more he can take. he isn’t terribly fond of these memories, and johnny bringing them up in the situation he wanted to avoid most is frankly _embarrassing._

“yet, months went by and nothing happened. i couldn’t deny the feelings i had for taeyong, and one day, i just decided to ask him out. god, i felt like a shitty person, though. like i was a homewrecker or something.” johnny sighs, rubbing his eyes with his hands.

“johnny, you don’t have to be sorry for anything, you know that right? had i even confessed my feelings to taeyong, i would’ve just been rejected, and you would’ve had a chance anyway.” jaehyun says, feeling guilty that johnny is the one apologizing, and not him.

johnny laughs like jaehyun has just said something _hilarious._ jaehyun doesn’t get it, staring at him blankly like there’s some big joke he’s missing.

“jaehyun, taeyong is in love with you, so much that he didn’t even realize it.” 

the world feels like it’s stopped spinning, the only thing spinning being jaehyun’s head. he’s heard this countless times, from yuta to donghyuck to even mark, but hearing it said by _taeyong’s ex-boyfriend_ changes his view entirely.

“what?” jaehyun stutters, almost choking. (his americano probably went down the wrong pipe after hearing that.)

“taeyong is in love with you. i shouldn’t be the one to tell you, since taeyong probably wants to do that himself. but it’s just _so_ tiring seeing you two dance around each other,” johnny smiles, but there’s a layer of sorrow behind it; a sad smile. “that’s why i broke up with taeyong, because you can’t keep two people apart when they’re meant to be together.” 

  
  


jaehyun goes home and cries bitterly that night, not even too sure why. unsure if the foolish tears are regret or happiness, or a mix of both.

his mom leaves a plate of cut-up fruit on his bedside table silently.

  
  
  


on christmas day, jaehyun reads through each and every text that taeyong has sent to him. there're many of them, and jaehyun feels the strings at his heart being tugged at. there are messages saying he’s sorry and that he wishes to just talk to jaehyun, others just a simple _i miss you._

the most recent message is one that was sent a few hours ago, saying _merry christmas, jaehyunnie! ~_

jaehyun feels his heart shatter, and he’s about to reread them again, while debating typing a response. a knock on his bedroom door interrupts him though, not enabling him to do so. it’s odd, since jaehyun’s mother usually just lets herself in. but, the door stays closed, waiting for his approval.

“come in!” jaehyun says, loud enough for the person outside to hear.

to jaehyun’s surprise, he sees mingyu, his childhood friend. he gets out of bed immediately, going to embrace mingyu in a tight hug, a smile gracing his lips.

“mingyu! i haven’t seen you for so long, dude!” jaehyun cries. he feels mingyu laugh into his shoulder.

"i know! have you gotten any taller? not taller than me though, of course.” mingyu asks, going to compare their heights for more dramatic effect.

“shut up, i’m probably past the growing stage already, idiot.” jaehyun mutters, trying to sound annoyed. though it doesn’t work, since laughter bubbles out of his throat anyway.

eventually, they pull out of the hug, chatting for a little, before mingyu drags him out of the house. they’re downstairs and there are unopened presents under the christmas tree, yet jaehyun’s mother insists he goes out with mingyu. she says that the presents will be here when he gets back and jaehyun sighs, running out of the house with him.

the two of them catch up for hours, time seemingly slipping by. they’re as close with each other as they’ve always been, reconciling making jaehyun’s heart happy.

“the annual new years eve party js being held this year and we’re going!” mingyu smiles, and jaehyun almost thinks he’s withholding something behind the toothy grin.

“that crowded thing? fine,” jaehyun sighs, though he can’t deny the excitement bubbling in his stomach. he hasn’t been to this party before, but he knows it’s the most anticipated event in his town. jaehyun goes home and spends the night with his mom, opening christmas presents and having a big feast with mingyu and his parents by his side.

he feels content and hasn’t felt this happy in a while. it’s almost enough to subdue the growing feeling of profound emptiness in his chest. 

  
  
  
  


when new year’s eve rolls around, jaehyun hurriedly throws on clothes he’s carefully packed and rushes out to hop into mingyu’s car.

“johnny and yuta are going to be there. they’re your friends, right?” mingyu asks, hand stretching out to turn up the radio volume. with the music practically blasting in their ears, jaehyun finds it hard to even hear what he’s saying.

“yeah, you know them?” jaehyun says, pleasantly surprised. mingyu simply winks at him, before returning his eyes back to the road.

“i know more people than you think, jaehyun.” mingyu laughs, and his tone is suspicious to jaehyun, but he shrugs it off. 

it’s clear when they’ve finally made it to where the party is, as finding a place to park the car takes them almost 10 minutes. both cars and people are flooding the area, and jaehyun figures people from neighbouring cities and towns came for their joyous celebration as well.

jaehyun watches as people walk onto the ice rink with their skates in hand, before groaning into his seat. “mingyu, i forgot my skates.” 

mingyu doesn’t seem phased, instead seeming like he expected jaehyun to say such a thing. “i knew you would. i have an extra pair, no worries.” 

jaehyun laughs in surprise and smiles graciously at him. “wow! look at you. my best friend mingyu, eh?” 

mingyu rolls his eyes, getting out of the car and unlocking his trunk. “you sure you haven’t replaced me yet?” 

jaehyun isn’t sure what mingyu is trying to imply, staying silent while mingyu hands him his skates. either way, he’s excited.

  
  


“i cannot skate for the life of me.” jaehyun complains, holding mingyu with a harsh grip. he’s certain the way he’s grabbing onto mingyu’s broad shoulders is not at all comfortable for him, but jaehyun can’t bring himself to care.

“i think that’s obvious, from the way you’re struggling to even stand.” mingyu chuckles, trying to drag jaehyun around on the ice. 

jaehyun grunts, scared at the possibility of falling. he eventually gets the hang of it and manages to skate around without the help of mingyu. they reconcile with some of their old friends, most of whom jaehyun only know or recognize through mingyu. jaehyun eventually gets bored of the conversation and skates away, completing a lap around the rink by himself. mingyu tells him not to fall and he rolls his eyes.

“no promises!” he yells back to mingyu.

the ice rink is huge and there’s a variety of people here; kids, ranging from toddlers to teenagers, couples, old people, and even families. jaehyun feels like he’s getting an insight on their life, the way he sees them interact and laugh with each other. it reminds him of taeyong, and he quickly pushes that thought to the back of his mind.

the rink is decorated with christmas decorations, a few mistle toes hanging around. jaehyun is ready to continue looking intently at all the decor, but he’s distracted when he hears booming cheerful voices.

jaehyun turns around to see taeyong, yuta and johnny greeting mingyu with loud voices. jaehyun thinks he can see donghyuck and mark if he squints hard enough. he blanks, and is suddenly trying to exit the rink from the opposite direction. luckily, his shoes are conveniently placed around, and he takes off his skates and runs off.

he sends a quick text to mingyu, (not wanting him to worry), saying _i’m going to the bathroom, brb._  
  


after thinking through all the possibilities on why taeyong was back there, jaehyun comes up with one answer: mingyu set him up.

mingyu and taeyong are friends. not as close as him and taeyong of course, but they’re fairly acquainted. in highschool, they both ran in different crowds, but as jaehyun was best friends with both of them, they inevitably knew each other. jaehyun just didn’t think mingyu would do something as _bold_ as invite taeyong back here. sure, this is technically taeyong’s hometown too, but jaehyun knows that taeyong only returns to this town when he’s with jaehyun. (his relationship with his parents is not the best. taeyong has only talked about it with jaehyun once, and jaehyun has known to never ask about it again.)

which means, something or _someone_ told him to come back here. it wasn’t jaehyun, obviously, as he hasn’t even had the confidence to respond to any of taeyong’s messages. though jaehyun is set on thinking mingyu did such a thing, (since mingyu is exactly the type of person to do this), he wouldn’t even be surprised if he got johnny involved.

either way, what’s done has been done, and it has led to jaehyun sitting on a bench in a quiet and tranquil park. hiding from taeyong, essentially. he’s scrolling on his phone to distract himself. jaehyun doesn’t know when he’s going to go back, or if he’s going to go back at all. there’s a weird feeling eating away at jaehyun’s stomach and it seems as though his escape from taeyong did not work at all.

a few minutes pass, and jaehyun hears footsteps approaching. he doesn't pay attention to them, assuming someone is just passingby.

“jaehyun?” 

jaehyun has to be hallucinating right now. he doesn’t even want to look up, wants to pass the voice off as simply a fragment of his imagination. he recognizes that voice all too well, and if _that_ person is really standing there, jaehyun doesn’t know what he’ll do. 

“oh my god, it is you.” 

and the person takes a seat beside him. jaehyun is panicking, still staring at his lap. he feels a gentle hand hold his face, and his cheeks heat up, tears filling his eyes. (he doesn’t even know why.)

“i’m so sorry.” taeyong says, his voice watery and sounding like it’s going to break. jaehyun finally meets his gaze and melts at the sight.

taeyong is beautiful, as he’s always been. he’s slightly disheveled, under eye bags a little darker than usual. his eyes are shiny, be it with tears or the reflection of the street lights jaehyun doesn’t know, can’t bother to differentiate the two anyway.

“why are you here?” jaehyun lets out, finding it hard to breathe. “and why are you sorry? it’s my fault. it’s always been my fault, everything has always been my fault-”

jaehyun is cut off by a rushed kiss by taeyong. the kiss is everything jaehyun has always dreamed of. taeyong’s lips are plush and soft, courtesy of the chapstick he applies religiously. jaehyun's eyes are open wide in surprise, tears falling out due to his rapid eye movements. taeyong’s eyes are closed, eyelids fluttering. it’s a sight that leaves jaehyun in awe and he captures the image in his head, wanting to revisit it later.

“i love you, jaehyun. i’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.” taeyong confesses, and jaehyun wants to kiss him again. so he does, presses as many kisses as he can on the elder’s rosy lips, the stars glimmering above them.

by the end of it, jaehyun can’t contain his smile at all.

“s-sorry for running away from you.” jaehyun apologizes quietly. 

taeyong shakes his head. “don’t be sorry, jaehyun.”

“how did you… realize?” jaehyun asks, and the question escapes him before he can be embarrassed about asking it. 

taeyong laughs quietly. “believe it or not, johnny actually helped me realize. a few days after we had kissed, johnny confronted me about it. i expected him to be angry, you know? but he wasn’t angry at all, and seemed more upset about it; upset for me,” taeyong explains. “he proceeded to apologize for holding me back. i was confused, very confused. he wasn’t holding me back from anything. but then johnny explained it to me, and it all made sense; i was in love with you.”

“the thing is, i really did like johnny, so it didn't click at first. in fact, i was angry at him for making such assumptions. even breaking up with me because of them,” taeyong sighs. “but, i soon realized he was doing it for me. and when i finally did realize my feelings for you were more than just friendly, i thought it was already too late.”

taeyong is biting his lip, seemingly nervous.

"it's not too late. it was never too late, taeyong. i'd wait a hundred more years for you if i needed to." jaehyun breathes, pulling him into a tight embrace. taeyong’s head goes to lean on his shoulder, and jaehyun feels him smile into his coat.

the hug feels different than the ones they usually share and it feels like taeyong is finally _his_. 

  
  
  


“so, are you two dating or what now?” donghyuck asks, his tone teasing and annoying. everyone else coos at the sight of jaehyun and taeyong holding hands.

“shut up, i forgot you were here.” jaehyun huffs, both embarrassment and joy making his cheeks flush. 

“yes, we are. he’s my boyfriend now.” taeyong answers, causing jaehyun’s eyes to widen. as if to confirm it, he presses a quick kiss to jaehyun’s glowing cheek, whose ears are crimson.

jaehyun could get used to this. 

“wow, look at you guys. looks like jaehyun finally won, huh!” yuta giggles. jaehyun is embarrassed with the amount of attention he’s receiving and grabs taeyong’s hand to go skate around on the ice.

“have fun, love birds!” mingyu cries after them, and it’s followed by familiar laughter.

when they’re far away from their annoying friends, jaehyun stops taeyong and looks at him. taeyong smiles.

“did you mean it? when- when you called me your boyfriend?” he asks, breathless.

“of course i did, jaehyun.” taeyong says, laughing when jaehyun covers his face in embarrassment. before jaehyun can respond, the sound of people counting down fills his ears. he turns around to see a huge timer, counting down the seconds until midnight. 

he looks back at taeyong and feels so content; so happy; so warm; so full. 

the countdown reaches zero and everyone cheers enthusiastically. taeyong wraps his small frame around jaehyun’s back. though it’s loud, jaehyun can still make out the elder’s soft and pleasant words.

“happy new years, jaehyunnie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my gosh! we've finally made it to the end. thank you so much for reading this story. it started out as a story i wrote in june, before discarding it to my drafts until november. i never thought it'd see the light of day, but here it is, a month later; completed! thank you for sticking to the end of jaehyun and taeyong's story, one that started out as a silly prompt of mine. honestly, i didn't think i could write a 15k fic, and i've never written anything this long before! i'm so happy everything worked out. again, it's still my first slightly long fic tho, so i sincerely apologize for any mistakes!
> 
> merry (late) christmas, happy new years, and farewell until my next fic!
> 
> if you enjoyed, please leave a kudos/comment! >< i'd love to hear your feedback!


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